CLEAN UP ON AISLE SEVEN
On Monday September 28, 2009 an unknown assailant assaulted Aunt Yemima with a shopping cart at a central Phoenix grocery store. Ms. Yemima was severely injured and was profusely bleeding syrup. She had to be transported to the Pancake Hospital for emergency treatment.
Although the identity of the perpetrator of the vile crime is at this time unknown he is a regular store customer. Employees there have, in the past)overheard him speaking of "cats" named for various Canadian cities.
Investigators believe that "CAT" may be a code word for "Canadian Armed Terrorists." They speculate that the assailant possibly is attempting to assassinate spokespeople for various American Syrup companies. This would serve to promote Canadian Maple syrup. Security has been provided to Mrs. Butterfield and the Vermont Maiden.
All Americans are urged to use only genuine American maple or corn syrup. The syrup mugger was was seen in the company of his accomplice a blonde haired woman last seen armed with an evil monkey. They appeared to be in pursuit of cookies and (half-n-half.) milk. Beware, if they are Canadian agents they may also be armed with hockey sticks.
The state of Vermont is offering a ten thousand dollar reward for their capture.
Captain Toronto threw down the newspaper in disgust. "Shel he yelled what have you done now? It was bad enough when we were just considered pirates now they think we are terrorists. Plus you have gotten your poor sister involved and all she did was drive you to the store." "Yes and while you were at the store you didn't even buy catfood and litter. Why are you looking for that type of milk Vets say it's not even good for cats?"
Commander Calgary added. "Once more you have gotten everyone into a jam."
"Hey it was syrup not jam," Shel the cat's butler responded. "Besides it was corn syrup not maple. I don't understand Vermont's reaction. I was just..." Shel the butler was interupted by Master-at-Arms Montreal who rushed into the room. "I heard horrible news on the radio." She gasped then stopped to catch her breath.
"Out with it, don't pussyfoot around." Captain Toronto told Montreal.
"It's on the news troops are staging along the northern border between the U.S.A and Canada." Montreal cat responded.
Captain Toronto pointed an accusing claw at the hapless human. "Not only have you maligned your poor cats and sister but have done so to Canada. don't worry. I will resolve this and not let 200 years of peaceful relations between the U.S.A. and it's northern neighbor go down the tubes." "There is only one thing we can do," The Captain continued. "What would that be," Leftenant Vancouver asked?
"Why we must take the blame of course. Now don't look so horrified," the Captain said in response to his officer's looks. "It all makes purrfect sense. We are considered pirates and outlaws anyway so what does one more crime matter? On the other hand Shel's sister and Canada are innocent."
"Why not make Shel take the blame he did it?" Montreal asked. "Why who believe that an idiot like him was responsible.
" Toronto replied. "And if they did we would lose our butler and have nobody to feed us and clean the litter boxes."
"Another option is to call in the notorious Mittens or LS to eliminate all witnesses." Calgary said only half kidding.
Montreal & Calgary
"No Calgary you are missing my point." Captain Toronto said. That would only make things worst. The Department of the Security for the Homeland would really think some terrorists were to blame if we hired assassins.
"Besides which they are caught on video tape." the dusky Vancouver cat put in.
Illegally crossing lake Ontario in their brigantine CatAvenger (yes that is how it is spelled;) the cat crew dragging poor Shel with them entered the first Mort Morton's cafe and coffee house that they saw. Their pink muzzles watered at the marquee sign: "Breakfast servered 24 hours a day." The good Captain was particularly intrigued with the fish and chips special posted on the door. The chilly cat who had on heavy trench style over coats sighed as they entered the warmth of the restaurant. They sat down in the nearest booth.
Captain Toronto told the waitress he wanted the fish and chips special with a big glass of milk. "Ditto," said the others.
"The same added Leftenant Montreal but I also one a big platter of bacon." She hesitated and then added "better make that Canadian bacon.
Shel said "you know that milk is not good for you!"
"Shut up, "Toronto said." The other cat's grinned. "Or all you get is a glass of water, he continued. But at Shel's pout he let him have some pancakes.
The cat's chowed down. Then they got up.
"Hey you did'nt leave a tip. Shel said.
Commander Calgary countered, "here is a tip shut up and don't worry it.
Shel didn't even notice the orange ones sarCATStic reply as he was to busy watching Toronto. "Hey that's my American Depress card."
"You would begrudge us poor cats a good meal would you? Not after we are trying to get you out of your sticky syrupy mess."
Once they got outside the Captain pulled out a carefully miniaturized C96 Mouser pistol from his trench coat. He pointed it at Shel who gasped in shock. "Don't worry I am not going to shoot you." The cat whispered. "There are security cameras, the authorities will see the video and think you are not a willing participant. I am whispering in case they also can pick up audio, although that's unlikely."
While Toronto was talking to Shel the others were hailing a cab. When one had pulled over they all piled it. Vancouver cat produced some tickets, "we are in Canada now. Let's go to a hockey game, eh?
When the cab arrived at the stadium the cat's jumped out paying the taxi driver barely enough to cover the fare. Laughing they dragged Shel into the stadium cutting in front of people waiting inline. Once the game had started the cats continued their rude behavior loudly booing the Canadian team while cheering the team from Payson Arizona. Once the game was over the cat's hailed another cab once more stiffing the driver of any tip.
The cats went to another restaurant and chowed down. When they had finished they left no tip and Toronto repeated the stunt with the pistol.
ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL
The pirate cat's shenanigans went on for over a week until one day Captain Toronto turned on the TV in the stateroom of the ship which was anchored off the coast of New Brunswick. They gathered around to watch as a spokesperson referred to "ugly American" cats. An American spokesperson denied that the cheap cats were Americans but admitted that by their behavior the cats were not Canadians.
"Now only one more thing to check," Toronto cat said as he hacked into The Department of the Security for the Homeland websites. Yes they no longer believe that you or our sister have anything to do with terrorists activities." Captain Toronto continued, I think I will let them believe that there really is an organization know as 'Canadian Armed Terrorists.' However the powers that be need to meet with our friends in the Great White North and normalize relations once more. With a few clicks on the keyboard Captain Toronto made a false memo to that effect.
"So you see my dear Shel we cats have once again gotten you out of a sticky mess.
Shel was happy not only had the cat's gotten him out of a mess but he had found out that his credit card had been cancelled the day before the cat crew went on their rampage, therefore he was not responsible for the charges. "Captain Toronto," Shel said. "There is only one thing that bothers me you were really mean to the employees of Mort Morton's cafe as well as the taxi driver. That wasn't nice."
Captain Toronto chuckled, "years ago Captain Topcat used his pirate loot to buy that chain of restaurants. And I own that fleet of Taxi's. I gave everyone that we stiffed of tips a raise I think that will make up for our rude behavior." Captain Toronto didn't mind spending the money for you see during the crisis he had heavily invested in American maple syrup.
P.S. Ms. Yemima has since recovered and is back on the job.
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