Moxie the Fox vixen barged into the ship's head disturbing commander Snowball.
"Oops sorry for the intrusion. but- speaking of excrement - Topcat has gotten
word that Osama Bin Laden is still alive!"
Quickly the small black cat finished his ablutions and raced to the bridge.
"How is this possible!" He exclaimed. "I thought you and Panther had dispatched
"Yes indeed we did. I realize this happened before you joined the crew but I
assure you that not only did Panther and I behead him. We also drove a stake
through Bin Laden's heart then cremated him and scattered his ashes to the four
winds." Topcat said. "I just don't see how its possible the lunatic is anywhere
else but kneeling at the feet of of his Master Satan." Panther added.
"Snowball pondered for several Moments. "There is one possibility. It is just
possible he has been cloned!"
"Regardless of how it happened, if this is really Bin Laden or an evil twin
or even an imposter, we have to stop the maniac." The ever practical Panther
responded. "Attack Iraq!"
"Now you sound like Bush. I have no quarrel with the Iraqi people or most of
the rest of the Arab world, even though -even for humans - they seem to breed a
few more loonies than usual." Captain Topcat continued. "Now this is what we
need to do..."
The valiant cat officers of the magic sailing ship Catavenger planned far into the night. One may wonder why a pack of
thieving cut throat pirate cats such as they cared so much about one mere human
terrorist? The answer: they did not like him!
How the cats got the information they needed to plan the mission I may never
know. Perhaps it was through contacts in Mossad or the CIA (Cat Intelligence
Agency) at any rate the pirate felines got ready with their usual alacrity.
While commander Snowball and first officer Panther were busy gathering
intelligence, Captain Topcat met with his ship's chief officers, engineer Spott,
quartermaster Leroy Lion and Tiberius Tiger the cook. "Aye the ships in fine
form as usual." Mr. Spott said pride in his voice. Since it was a magic sailing
ship that could appear in many guises about anywhere in the world where there
was any water whatsoever; he had much to be proud of. Leroy reported that he,
along with ensign Spike the gunnery officer had checked the cannons and
ammunition store, all was in order. Only Tiberius reported any problems "We
need more food, with Panther as a crew member we always need more food!" "Don't
worry what we can't steal along the way we can buy in port." Captain Topcat
The Catavenger set sail and soon arrived at it's staging point of - censored
- where it reprovisioned and Snowball was able to gather even more information.
"We have found two places in Iraq where Bin Laden may be hiding." Snowball
announced. One place in Akhea in eastern Iraq the other is right in Saddam
Hussein's palace. I propose to investigate the palace by myself while the rest
of you check the other sight. This will only be a reconnaissance not an attack" Topcat replied,
"That's out of the question even for a reconnaissance you need help, take Minty
Monkey, Moxie Fox and Abel the Tasmanian Angel with you they are small and can
sneak in as well as you." Also avoid engaging the enemies but if you can blow
the whole place to kingdom come!" The brigantine Catavenger with various
maneuvering in time made it up the Euphrates river. Topcat scoured his cabin at
the last minute to see if there was any special equipment Snowball might need.
He was astonished when he found the late Spooky's katana, the very sword that
had been sent with her at her funeral. "This is surely a sign that Spooky's
Spirit welcomes you, take it with her blessings Snowball." Topcat said and so
Commander Snowball and his small party set out for their reconnaissance while the
Catavenger sailed further up the river.
The crew saw a great mass of troops. The soldiers were astounded to say the
least to see a full rigged brigantine it's white sails gleaming in the desert
sun sitting in a practically dry wadi. They were even more astounded when the
ship opened fire with very modern weapons.
Meanwhile Snowball and his companions found a way to sneak into the palace of
the dictator. They made their way to the secret labs and the terrified
scientists readily gave up and ran off. Snowball ordered "Quick plant the C4 I
will see what they have been working on..."
The Catavenger set of various pyrotechnics the exploding rockets scared the
camels and set the enemy's troops in disarray. What few very not terrified
enough to run off at the loud explosions were truly frightened by the spectacle
of Panther mounted on Big Leon charging them tommy gun blazing in one paw and
saber waving in the other. On the other flank Captain Topcat roared up on a dirt
bike. Both valiant cats headed to the top of the hill where two gaunt figures
stood still even though the rest of the troops were panicking and fleeing from
the fury of the Catavenger crew.
While his compatriots were busy laying down explosive charges, Snowball went
forth looking through the vast Labyrinth. There ahead of him was Bin Laden.
Snowball advanced pistol firing and the sword in his other paw waving.
"Bin Laden!" Cried Topcat and Panther both while opening fire. "There are two
of him!" The bullets seemed harmless so the duo pulled sword and engaged the
enemy thrusting and avoiding the scimitar thrusts. The two figures while
incredibly strong were no match for the cats. "Whoosh," off went first one head
then the next.
Back at the palace bullets were ineffective, but the stroke of Snowball's
inherited katana sword was not and off went this Bin Laden's head as well. Snowball
exclaimed: "Why it's a ... it's a ..."
"ROBOT!" Topcat said kicking the still grimacing ugly head laying at his
feet. "It's an android actually." Replied the ever practical Panther. "A robot
in human form - if you can call that ugly sucker human! At any rate we better
mount up and get out of here now."
Minty, Moxie and Abel, found Snowball muttering "Android robot" and
calmly examining the body of his opponent as wires still sparked. Moxie the fox
spoke; "we need to go now the charges will soon blow. Minty has found a way out
almost hidden behind some boxes we best take that now." The Four intrepid
creatures thus took that way up a hidden staircase and came out behind a panel
in a certain fat dictator's bed room. "Eeek!" A plump mustachioed figure
shrieked as he leaped off the bed wearing a lovely pink silk nighty. He paused
only long enough to grab a matching pink beret and ran out of the room. Snowball
was so astounded he did not even fire a shot at the fleeing figure. They heard
troops coming and quickly ran out the door after him. Instead of chasing the
fat figure Snowball and crew dove out a window. They ran out into the desert
beyond. Armed soldiers behind them opening fire. Bullets ricocheted up at them
from the rocks. "Ouch, I think I have been hit in the foot." Minty cried. "Hop
on me said Moxie the fox vixen I shall carry you out." Snowball and Abel ran
Thus they made their way to the covering fire of the Catavenger. Topcat,
Panther and all the rest had already boarded it and sailed the ship to just
outside the palace. They all dashed on as the ship faded into the mists of space
Days later on board ship Minty the Monkeys foot healed quit well and he went
back to work instead of sitting around getting fat eating banana splits.
I the human called Shel groused to the captain, Topcat. "Well its great you
destroyed the robot- excuse me 'Android' factory but as I see it you gained
nothing on this trip, no loot at all, and you don't know there could be even
more of those android things around. Now Panther and Snowball have took off on
some kind of cheese buying and skiing trip. I just don't understand you cats and
never will." Once I had run down talking, Captain Topcat, with pity for a poor
human as well as humor in his one big green eye said. "Why my dear Shel although
the cheese they will bring back is good and the skiing is fine think of
something else the nation they went to is famous for - numbered bank accounts.
Commander Snowball happened to find two of them one belonging to a certain
departed terrorist another to a certain fat dictator. No password is needed just
the numbers in the pass books. I think we did ok this trip myself and I even
have something Snowball picked up for you. He found this dropped by a window by
a certain party."
With that the good feline captain handed me a lovely pink beret. For once
however it's just possible I the poor human got the last laugh. I had the diamond
pin on this greasy bit of headgear appraised and it's worth enough to keep me in
corn chips, refried beans and soda pop for quite a while.