Thor Telenor, was a Norway cat. He lived at the Sara Dan hotel. Now Norway cats are pretty tough because they fight Norway rats. Thor had been a champion rat fighter in his youth. After fighting many championship bouts he had retired and was now a greeter at the hotel. Now Thor had many friends all over the World amongst them Blondie and Sara Dan ( named after the very hotel where Thor worked. ) These cats wanted Thor to visit them but where they lived was rainy and cold. Thor wanted to go somewhere sunny and warm, like southern Italy. Bandita, Moosie, Peppe and Bartilomeo the cats along with Rua the dog lived there and had invited Thor to visit there many times. There was just one problem Thor had no way to get there.
The Brigantine CatAvenger was in Norway stocking up on loads of pickled herrings a favorite of the crew. Thor overheard a crew member mention they were headed for Italy when He decided to stow away.
Thor saw that the only ones by the ship were CaptainTopcat and Panther having an argument. "You are telling me that you PAID for our provisions! Panther said angry that a thieving pirate cat should pay for anything. "These are hard working humans." Topcat argued. "So I paid them, of course I charged it to a certain dictator's credit card. Snowball found his wallet during our last adventure you know." That set off yet another argument about whether that was really him Snowball had seen and why he would have been in eastern Iraq instead of his Palace. While they were so busy arguing, they did not notice Thor slip aboard. He heard Topcat loadly proclaim that the DNA from greasy hair found in the beret proved it was the dictator. Although he was interested in the argument Thor did not hang around to hear any more but instead slipped below decks and hid.
A few days later Commander Snowball was checking under the decks and found a large Brown cat hiding. "What are you doing there Panther?" Show ball asked.
"My name is not Panther it is Thor. I am a stowaway. I suppose you will make me walk the plank now."
"Have you gone completly nuts?" Snowball asked rhetorically. "I know you are down here to raid the hold and eat up the herrings so don't start acting as loony as that human Shel now."
Just then Captain Topcat called down from the steps above them. He had heard the last statement from Snowball. "Speaking of nuts what the heck are you doing down there talking to your self?" Snowball told him that Panther was down there acting loony. "You'r the crazy one I just saw her in the galley eating boulubaise. I just came to find you to invite you to eat some before she eats it all" Topcat said.
"Oh I am so hungry," Thor said. "I don't suppse you could spare some for a stowaway?" Topcat upon hearing their voices went to investigate. "Wow, you are a spitting image of Panther. Sure come on up and have something to eat." The trio thus went up to the galley where they met Panther who was amazed at the resemblance. They ate and talked and found that they had mutual friends in Italy. While they were talking Topcat got a page from the bridge. All four went to see what was going on. Lup the Pup was on the radio. "Listen to this it appears to be a distress call."
"Kattevenner, Kattevenner." Came from the radio then some other words to garbled to really understand.
"It sounds like they are saying "CatAvenger." Panther said. "No it is Norwegian. They are saying 'cat friends' and I think they are giving us some compass coordinates." Thor said. the message was repeated and thor was able to decipher the compass coordinates. The CatAvenger sailed to the rescue.
There they saw a large tug boat floundering and a barge rapidly sinking. The boat called the Kattevenner called and told the CatAvenger that they were having engine problems and also that the barge was beyond repair they had cut it loose from the tow. Engineer Spott went over to tug boat to repair its engines, while Topcat and Panther interviewed the Captain. "My name is Helga." Said the captain a lovely icelandic snow leopard. "We are on a mission for Santa Claus to deliver gifts, He will be so angry with us that the storm damaged his barge and we lost it. Now we won't have toys to deliver to the cats in England that's our assigned country."
"It's not your fault. It's the fault of those Elf built barges, we towed one once and it too sunk." Topcat told Helga.
"Regardless of who's fault it is, they need gifts to deliver." Said the ever practical Panther."
"We can give money.I have a plan, lets go over to the CatAvenger and discuss it with Snowball and Thor." Captain Topcat said.
This was the plan. it seemed that in the nation of Monte Crisko a notorious haven for tax evaders there was a certain bank that not only housed money from Al-Qaida it was owned by Al-Qaida. Topcat had wanted to rob it for quite a while there was only one problem. He had large sums of his illgotten loot in a bank right next door. He knew if any large crimes were committed in Monte Crisko he would be blamed. It was one of the few countries were he was not a wanted cat and he wished to keep it's good will. The plan was for Panther and Snowball (who as new crew member ) was not known to the authorities to rob the bank. "Thats where you come in Thor." Topcat continued. "You look just like Panther. You and I and the majority of the crew will gamble all night at a casino. It will be the perfect alibi.
"They will still suspect us. All the crew, except for me, even that daft Shel - needs to be at the Casino other wise they will still arrest some of us." Snowball said. "We could get our mutual friends Bandita, Moosie, Peppe and Bartilomeo the cats and Rua the dog to help us. Thor Hegel suggested. Topcat agreed that was a good suggestion and e-mailed them. They readily agreed to rendevous with the CatAvenger in Monte Crisko.
The CatAvenger and the tug Kattevenner sailed into the port of that country there they secretly met with the Italian cats and dog who had flown in on a plane Topcat had chartered for them the conspired together about the heist. "I don't know, we cased the place and they have a security guard that is very concentious there." "You must mean the bank next door, the bank we use." Captain Topcat said. "The bank you are going to rob is a peice of cake its guard just sits around all night reading comic books."
The majority of the crew were going to head to the casino while Snowball, Panther and the Italian critters robbed the bank they would then load the loot onto Helga's tug which was docked in a canal right behind the bank. Topcat made Thor change into a nice evening gown to go to the casino. "But I am a boy cat!" He complained.
"Thats true," Topcat said; "but Panther is a big beautiful girl. Be very careful do what I have instructed you. You have to convince them that you are her. We need this alibi. You have heard the news. They are blaming us for stealing the Van Gogh pictures."
Thor asked. "What are you wearing? I don't see you changing."
"Oh I am a tuxedo cat so I am always well dressed." replied the captain. The Captain and crew with Thor stuffed into the gown arrived at the casino. I ( the human called Shel, ) was clutching a sack full of quarters to play in the slots. Topcat was well known at the casino and got his usual catnip and milk martini, ( shaken not stirred ) and went to the bacarat table while Thor as Panther tried the roullette wheel.
Snowball, Panther and the Italian critters easily opened the door to the Al-Qaida bank andwent in. Sure enough the guard has his back to the bank of CCTV monitors and was goofing off. Topcat was wrong about one thing though the guard was not reading comic books. He was coloring ( out side the lines. )
The adventurous band took the stairs to go to the basement vault picking the locks on several doors on the way. When they had picked the lock on the last door they came out into a room with four large rottweilers, snapping and barking.
At the casino Topcat was winning big at baccarat while Thor had switched from roullette to poker and had started winning. As for me the human Shel I had I lost all my nickels and had gone back to the ship to sulk.
At the bank Rua recognized one of the rottweiler's as her cousin Guido who introduced her to the other dogs and agreed to help them rob the bank as long as they were let loose from the basement. They did not much like being stuck down there. The rottwieler's told them they could not go down the hall since it had laser alarms their best bet was to crawl through the vents into the ante chamber just outside the vault. Snowball led the way followed by Helga, Panther almost got stuck. Rua stayed behind and talked to the dogs. the thieves came downinto the antechamber where Snowball worked on the alarm panel while Panther opened the large vault like safe. Under Panthers skills the loot was theirs . Snowball had deactivated the alarms and opened all the doors The cats and other crew from Helga's ship the Kattevenner had been let in by Rua and rushed down the hallway quickly loading the loot into sacks and carry it out to their ship. As they were exiting Panther asked what was the banging behind a door. Rua replied, "thats the guard he finally came out so we locked him in the closet. Snowball stayed behind after all the loot was loaded and everyone was on board Helga's boat he deliberately set off the alarm and quickly ran for the boat leaping over its side just as it was leaving.
The gendarmes quickly arrived at the scene of the crime they let the guard out of the closet. He was naturally clueless. The video tapes were blank. They did however suspect the pirate cats and went to where the CatAvenger was docked. Only I the human called Shel was onboard. I directed them to the casino. The casino manager assured the police that all the crew except for the "stupid human," had been there all night. The chief of the gendarmes however insisted on seeing Captain Topcat. " I have won so much playing cards I do not need to steal from you." Topcat gloated. He then took the police on a tour of the ship, CatAvenger, although they suspected ( correctly ) the ship was hiding something they knew there was no way that the loot from the bank could be onboard. So the cats were set free to sail off.
The CatAvenger rendevoused with the Kattevenner in England. Rambo the roving cat helped to fence the loot and distribute it to all the cats in Great Britain.
After the mission was over the Italian cats, Rua, the rotweilers and Thor were all rewarded and went to Italy. The Rotweilers got jobs as police dogs in Milan. Thor went to Venice and got a job as Gondoleer.
As I was finishing typing this up I asked the cat crew officers if I had left out anything.
"You left out Helga joining us." Said Topcat.
"I also left out you stealing a bag of diamonds for yourself." I put in.
"Hey we too deserved a present." Panther put in practically.
"I just find this whole story ironic." Said I the cat's poor human. "A cross dressing Norwegian cat. along with Italians help a bunch of thieves steal to get Christmas presents, for cats in Great Britain. Furthermore none of it would have been possible with out information from our Jewish friends at Mossad."
"I find nothing ironic about that at all," said Topcat. "Remember what it says in John 4:19-22."
"Remember also what Spooky always said that the eighth commandment was never meant for cats." Panther said.
Seeing the look of confusion on my face, Snowball looked at me with
pity. he said perhaps the true irony is that thieving pirate cats know
their scripture and a goody-two-shoes human does'nt. The eighth
commandment of course refers to not stealing as for the rest read it
yourself." Snowball said handing me the Bible. The Samaritan woman
said, "Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on
this mountain; and you say that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought
to worship." Jesus responded, "Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when
neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You
worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is
from the Jews." (John