Thor Telenor, was a Norway cat. He lived at the Sara Dan hotel. Now
Norway cats are pretty tough because they fight Norway rats. Thor had been
a champion rat fighter in his youth. After fighting many championship
bouts he had retired and was now a greeter at the hotel. Now Thor had many
friends all over the World amongst them Blondie and Sara Dan (named after
the very hotel where Thor worked.) These cats wanted Thor to visit them
but where they lived was rainy and cold. Thor wanted to go somewhere sunny
and warm, like southern Italy. Bandita, Moosie, Peppe and Bartolomeo the
cats along with Rua the dog lived there and had invited Thor to visit
there many times. There was just one problem Thor had no way to get there.
The Brigantine Catavenger was in Norway stocking up on loads of pickled
herrings a favorite of the crew. Thor overheard a crew member mention they
were headed for Italy when He decided to stow away.
Thor saw that the only ones by the ship were Captain Topcat and Panther
having an argument. "You are telling me that you PAID for our provisions!
Panther said angry that a thieving pirate cat should pay for anything.
"These are hard working humans." Topcat argued. "So I paid them, of course
I charged it to a certain dictator's credit card. Snowball found his
wallet during our last adventure you know." That set off yet another
argument about whether that was really him Snowball had seen and why he
would have been in eastern Iraq instead of his Palace. While they were so
busy arguing, they did not notice Thor slip aboard. He heard Topcat loudly
proclaim that the DNA from greasy hair found in the beret proved it was
the dictator. Although he was interested in the argument Thor did not hang
around to hear any more but instead slipped below decks and hid.
A few days later Commander Snowball was checking under the decks and
found a large Brown cat hiding. "What are you doing there Panther?" Show
"My name is not Panther it is Thor. I am a stowaway. I suppose you will
make me walk the plank now."
"Have you gone completely nuts?" Snowball asked rhetorically. "I know
you are down here to raid the hold and eat up the herrings so don't start
acting as loony as that human Shel now."
Just then Captain Topcat called down from the steps above them. He had
heard the last statement from Snowball. "Speaking of nuts what the heck
are you doing down there talking to yourself?" Snowball told him that
Panther was down there acting loony. "You're the crazy one I just saw her
in the galley eating bouillabaisse. I just came to find you to invite you to
eat some before she eats it all" Topcat said.
"Oh I am so hungry," Thor said. "I don't suppose you could spare some
for a stowaway?" Topcat upon hearing their voices went to investigate.
"Wow, you are a spitting image of Panther. Sure come on up and have
something to eat." The trio thus went up to the galley where they met
Panther who was amazed at the resemblance. They ate and talked and found
that they had mutual friends in Italy. While they were talking Topcat got
a page from the bridge. All four went to see what was going on. Lup the
Pup was on the radio. "Listen to this it appears to be a distress call."
"Kattevenner, Kattevennen." Came from the radio then some other words
to garbled to really understand.
"It sounds like they are saying "Catavenger." Panther said. "No it is
Norwegian. They are saying 'cat friends' and I think they are giving us
some compass coordinates." Thor said. the message was repeated and thor
was able to decipher the compass coordinates. The Catavenger sailed to the
There they saw a large tug boat floundering and a barge rapidly
sinking. The boat called the Kattevenner called and told the CatAvenger
that they were having engine problems and also that the barge was beyond
repair they had cut it loose from the tow. Engineer Spott went over to tug
boat to repair its engines, while Topcat and Panther interviewed the
Captain. "My name is Helga." Said the captain a lovely icelandic snow
leopard. "We are on a mission for Santa Claus to deliver gifts, He will be
so angry with us that the storm damaged his barge and we lost it. Now we
won't have toys to deliver to the cats in England that's our assigned
"It's not your fault. It's the fault of those Elf built barges, we
towed one once and it too sunk." Topcat told Helga.
"Regardless of who's fault it is, they need gifts to deliver." Said the
ever practical Panther."
"We can give money.I have a plan, lets go over to the Catavenger and
discuss it with Snowball and Thor." Captain Topcat said.
This was the plan. it seemed that in the nation of Monte Crisko a
notorious haven for tax evaders there was a certain bank that not only
housed money from Al-Qaida it was owned by Al-Qaeda. Topcat had wanted to
rob it for quite a while there was only one problem. He had large sums of
his ill gotten loot in a bank right next door. He knew if any large crimes
were committed in Monte Crisko he would be blamed. It was one of the few
countries were he was not a wanted cat and he wished to keep it's good
will. The plan was for Panther and Snowball (who as new crew member ) was
not known to the authorities to rob the bank. "That's where you come in
Thor." Topcat continued. "You look just like Panther. You and I and the
majority of the crew will gamble all night at a casino. It will be the
"They will still suspect us. All the crew, except for me, even that
daft Shel - needs to be at the Casino otherwise they will still arrest
some of us." Snowball said. "We could get our mutual friends Bandita,
Moosie, Peppe and Bartolomeo the cats and Rua the dog to help us. Thor
Hegel suggested. Topcat agreed that was a good suggestion and e-mailed
them. They readily agreed to rendezvous with the Catavenger in Monte
The Catavenger and the tug Kattevenner sailed into the port of that
country there they secretly met with the Italian cats and dog who had
flown in on a plane Topcat had chartered for them the conspired together
about the heist. "I don't know, we cased the place and they have a
security guard that is very conscientious there." "You must mean the bank
next door, the bank we use." Captain Topcat said. "The bank you are going
to rob is a piece of cake its guard just sits around all night reading
The majority of the crew were going to head to the casino while
Snowball, Panther and the Italian critters robbed the bank they would then
load the loot onto Helga's tug which was docked in a canal right behind
the bank. Topcat made Thor change into a nice evening gown to go to the
casino. "But I am a boy cat!" He complained.
"That's true," Topcat said; "but Panther is a big beautiful girl. Be
very careful do what I have instructed you. You have to convince them that
you are her. We need this alibi. You have heard the news. They are blaming
us for stealing the Van Gogh pictures."
Thor asked. "What are you wearing? I don't see you changing."
Snowball, Panther and the Italian critters easily opened the door to
the Al-Qaida bank and went in. Sure enough the guard has his back to the
bank of CCTV monitors and was goofing off. Topcat was wrong about one
thing though the guard was not reading comic books. He was coloring (out
side the lines)
The adventurous band took the stairs to go to the basement vault
picking the locks on several doors on the way. When they had picked the
lock on the last door they came out into a room with four large
rottweilers, snapping and barking.
At the casino Topcat was winning big at baccarat while Thor had
switched from roullette to poker and had started winning. As for me the
human Shel I had I lost all my nickels and had gone back to the ship to
At the bank Rua recognized one of the rottweiler's as her cousin Guido
who introduced her to the other dogs and agreed to help them rob the bank
as long as they were let loose from the basement. They did not much like
being stuck down there. The rottweiler's told them they could not go down
the hall since it had laser alarms their best bet was to crawl through the
vents into the ante chamber just outside the vault. Snowball led the way
followed by Helga, Panther almost got stuck. Rua stayed behind and talked
to the dogs. the thieves came down
into the antechamber where Snowball
worked on the alarm panel while Panther opened the large vault like safe.
Under Panthers skills the loot was theirs . Snowball had deactivated the
alarms and opened all the doors The cats and other crew from Helga's ship
the Kattevenner had been let in by Rua and rushed down the hallway quickly
loading the loot into sacks and carry it out to their ship. As they were
exiting Panther asked what was the banging behind a door. Rua replied,
"that's the guard he finally came out so we locked him in the closet.
Snowball stayed behind after all the loot was loaded and everyone was on
board Helga's boat he deliberately set off the alarm and quickly ran for
the boat leaping over its side just as it was leaving.
The gendarmes quickly arrived at the scene of the crime they let the
guard out of the closet. He was naturally clueless. The video tapes were
blank. They did however suspect the pirate cats and went to where the
Catavenger was docked. Only I the human called Shel was onboard. I
directed them to the casino. The casino manager assured the police that
all the crew except for the "stupid human," had been there all night. The
chief of the gendarmes however insisted on seeing Captain Topcat. " I have
won so much playing cards I do not need to steal from you." Topcat
gloated. He then took the police on a tour of the ship, Catavenger,
although they suspected (correctly) the ship was hiding something they
knew there was no way that the loot from the bank could be onboard. So the
cats were set free to sail off.
The Catavenger rendezvoused with the Kattevenner in England. Rambo the
roving cat helped to fence the loot and distribute it to all the cats in
After the mission was over the Italian cats, Rua, the rottweilers and
Thor were all rewarded and went to Italy. The Rottweilers got jobs as
police dogs in Milan. Thor went to Venice and got a job as Gondolier.
"You left out Helga joining us." Said Topcat.
"I also left out you stealing a bag of diamonds for yourself." I put
"Hey we too deserved a present." Panther put in practically.
"I just find this whole story ironic." Said I the cat's poor human. "A
cross dressing Norwegian cat. along with Italians help a bunch of thieves
steal to get Christmas presents, for cats in Great Britain. Furthermore
none of it would have been possible with out information from our Jewish
friends at Mossad."
"I find nothing ironic about that at all," said Topcat. "Remember what
it says in John 4:19-22."
"Remember also what Spooky always said that the eighth commandment was
never meant for cats." Panther said.
Seeing the look of confusion on my face, Snowball looked at me with
pity. he said perhaps the true irony is that thieving pirate cats know
their scripture and a goody-two-shoes human doesn't. The eighth
commandment of course refers to not stealing as for the rest read it
yourself." Snowball said handing me the Bible. The Samaritan woman
said, "Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on
this mountain; and you say that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought
to worship." Jesus responded, "Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when
neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You
worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is
from the Jews." (John
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Thank you Glacier